Preoccupied

I've been preoccupied lately. So much so, that I've lost track of what I'm supposed to be doing.

Lately, work has been habitating the parts of my mind that should be focused on family and pleasure. Changes are coming, and although I've been a part of most of the "change discussions," I still meet them with apprehension. Have I bit off more than I can chew? Will I be able to take charge and do the things that are required of me, and stand up when I don't think the changes are worth it? The biggest question is yet to come: Have I been offered a new position? Will I take it? Will it be worth it? Will the extra money, career movement, responsibility be worth the the extra time, the stress and not least of all, the time away from my family? Is this even still the profession I want to be in? Didn't I say, 7+ years ago, that this would be a temporary job?

It is frustrating that these questions have been taking up the time and space of my life that I value most. Why am I sitting inside, typing my frustrations, on a beautiful day when my energies should be focused on the park, or the weeds in the garden, or the kids in the sandbox? Why, (when we have had 2 weeks straight of temperatures in the 70s and 80s, with barely a cloud in the sky) did I forget to pick up a new tube for my bike tire in the roughly 10 times I've been near a store? When did I allow my kids to eat spaghetti in their newest, whitest shirts? Why, oh why, when caffeine is such an important part of my life, did I forget to buy coffee filters for a week? Why do I keep forgetting that the sun goes down earlier in the fall, and go outside to enjoy an evening with my kids only to realize there's 20 minutes of sunshine left in the day? Why did I ignore the laundry for so long? (There is now so much that i can do loads entirely by color, 1 pink load, 1 red load, 2 green loads, 3 white loads, 1 light blue load, 1 dark blue load, 1 black load, towels, sheets...)

Are we heading into a financial depression? Will my money ever be worth what it is now? Will our house be worth anything, when its time to sell? Will Barack win? Will Palin make the fool out of herself I know she should this week in the debate? Have we already seen our October Surprise, or is it still coming? Will the money we just spent on fixes to one of our vehicles be worth it, or did we just spend our cash on a lost cause? Do I remember how to make biscuits and gravy? (Owen asked for it, for supper tonight.) What should I get my father-in-law for Christmas? (Yes, I realize it's not even October... this is what my mind is doing to me these days.)

I'm even too preoccupied to decide how to handle the preoccupation. Should I shut down, sit on the couch, eat a ho-ho and watch TV? Or should I keep constantly moving, with the intention of never having a free moment to think about my questions?

My mind is moving in so many directions right now, that when i try to speak, they all come out in a jumbled mess. "Laundry to vote for debating the OTS for the new segment in the field trip money due groceries away broke my purse strap and who was that I just heard complaining about supper?" My husband has sensed my frustration. Which is why this afternoon he helped the kids catch and "feed" a butterfly, a moth, a fly (they decided against the bees); why he's started the laundry, and went to the store to get coffee filters (and then i bought more because I forgot that he already did.... we should be set for the next 3 years.) Its why he's trying to convince me to leave the rest of the mess in the laundry room, and go take a nap.

I may go take his advice.