I am frustrated

... for quite a few reasons.

First, politics. Everyone knows I support Barack. This is no surprise. So maybe its just sour grapes, and I'm ticked off that Hillary had such a good night last night. Maybe I'm just pissed that her Republican-esque scare tactics worked. Maybe I'm frustrated because she refuses to give up. Maybe I'm conflicted because I really want this woman to lose, even though I feel like I should support her, I should be proud of the first woman President, I should be above all of the sexist comments I hear about her, and be proud that she is a strong woman (or a "bitch" as Tina Fey put it, on SNL, saying "bitches get stuff done"). Maybe I feel guilty for seeing her late-night rallies/interviews/press statements and I think "wow, her hair really is flat -- she looks tired." Maybe I am a confused feminist who just can't figure out why I don't support this woman, why I don't like her or why I don't want her to be President.

Maybe I'm appalled by my industry: Hillary couldn't afford to put her "3 a.m." advertisement in many markets, so the cable news stations and big 3 networks did it for her -- replaying it over and over again. Good job Hill, for figuring out how to manipulate the "free press" for your own gain (although you're hardly the first). The 24-hour news beast has talked about almost nothing but politics in recent weeks, feeding the beast with pundits, "experts" and supporters on either side. They jump at any new element and beat it over and over until it's dead -- just to fill another 45 minutes of airtime. And lets face it, the candidates (yes, all of them) know how to get their chosen face put on TV. What the hell ever happened to journalistic integrity? Since when do you just accept a person's press release or news conference as fact? Oh wait. As long as I've been in the business, and I'm sure a lot longer than that. I forgot: integrity in journalism is just something they talk about in college -- it rarely happens in real life.

Maybe I'm ticked off at the Democratic party. I've always been an independent-minded person, leaning farther to the left than the party was willing to go. But this year I thought, I hoped, that the effort to reverse 8 years of W. would leave the party united. Now they're fighting over Michigan and Florida delegates, and if this could go all the way to the convention, and what Howard Dean does to try to make it appear as if we're all singing kum ba yah come August. The party that is supposed to be united against the politics of Bush is now fighting over literally everything... and I am incredibly scared that we're going to see this nomination decided by the courts (in which case Hillary wins -- the Clinton Political Machine will know how maneuver that, in the same way that the Bushes knew how to get it done in 2000.) Will I really be forced to vote for a 3rd party candidate in November, because I can't bear the thought of either main-stream candidate actually being our president?

And what about the whole system? Is it broken or not? Should the super delegates be there? I honestly don't know. But I do know it now leaves us in a bit of a scandal: a democrat will not get the nomination without them. They will decide the nomination. The question is how. Will they support who their constituents voted for? Will they vote on their personal preference? Should they? Will this whole damn election come down to which candidate can wine and dine some crusty old politicians to get them on their side? Isn't that what democracy is NOT supposed to be about?

The math, on this topic, is clear. Chuck Todd, NBC Political Director, who I have come to really respect, puts it this way: Hillary has to win 56% of all of the rest of the State's primaries, AND 56% of the super delegates to win. Barack has to win closer to 45% of the states and super delegates. That's far from a landslide either way. Will this tear apart the democrats (maybe even the country) and lead us into 8 more years of Bush III? (He and McCain looked pretty chummy at the White house today.)

I don't know. Am I old enough to be allowed to be this disenfranchised with the political system? Am I young enough to still be considered a young, idealistic voter, that just doesn't see the realities of how politics work? Have I just been wooed by Barack's "rock star status?" Will he be just as dirty as the rest of Washington before all of this is over? Something in my heart continues to tell me "no." Maybe I am swayed by his autobiography (which, by the way, he started writing when he was my age, 29.) He wrote it before he was a Illinois State senator, presumably when he was not worried about what people would think of HIM in his book, and more willing to write the truth. It reads as an honest critique of himself, and of his life, admitting to things that most eventual Presidential candidates I don't think would ever be willing to admit to. Maybe I am just swayed by his speeches, by my one opportunity to hear him speak. But I still believe. Something in this guy makes me believe he is the answer (or at least part of it), he is the one who can bring abut some real change, he is the one who generations will look back upon and praise. I'm not expecting celestial choirs to come down from the heavens for him, but I'm also not willing to give up my hope just yet.

For now, I'll step off my soapbox, stop my feverishly fast hands from typing and leave the cable news off for the night. After all, it looks like I have a good 7 weeks... or maybe 3 months... before this is all over. Time to get strapped in for the ride.

(I did mention I'm ticked off about other things: Several things are bothering me today -- but mostly I am ticked off that I forgot today was Lauryn's picture day at school (and so did Brad) so he sent her to school in old jeans and a sweatshirt. Great. I'm vain, yes. I was looking forward to a cute school picture. Urrgghh.)