War

I was listening to NPR, just moments ago, and heard a report that Paul Tibbets, the man who piloted the aircraft that dropped the first atomic bomb, died today. He was 92 years old. I listened to an old interview, done a few years ago. He described the event -- dropping the bomb, steering steeply upward, the taste of lead in his mouth, and the complete destruction he saw below. He saw it as a necessity to end the war.



It got me thinking -- how my children have grown up with war. Owen, 8, Lauryn 4, have known war for all or most of their lives. Owen was 2 on 9/11. I was pregnant with Lauryn when we invaded Iraq.

It is no secret that I am a pacifist -- a position that has been rarely understood in my business. Sure, now, everyone is on the Anti-Iraq war bandwagon -- too many soldier's killed, we've been there too long, we shouldn't have gone in, in the first place. But I remember sitting in my news director's office on that morning when we saw the bombs going off. We later saw the U.S. troops take Baghdad. We all sat, producers, reporters, news directors, even an anchor or two, watching destruction, watching bombs explode, watching Saddam's statue be toppled and face quickly covered with an American flag, only to be replaced with an Iraqi one. And here's the thought that scares me -- my co workers cheered. Out loud. They cheered and clapped their hands, gave high fives, and "Whoo-hoo!"s. This was nothing more than an action movie being played out live before their eyes.

I sat quietly then, watching it all, not wanting to speak, not feeling like I knew what to say, but sitting with a sick feeling in my stomach. We were going to war. Again.

In the coming weeks we would be told how the "Research" should dictate our news coverage of the war. Surveys showed that people don't want to see news about protesters, or the "Muslim reaction" or hear about soldier deaths. Instead they want to see flags wave, and hear patriotic songs, and talk to military wives, proud of their husbands.. off at war. It was about the same time that my boss said something to the effect of: "war protesters are just a bunch of unemployed, hippie, stoners anyway." As you might guess, I ripped into him for that one, politely telling him that that was the most ignorant statement I had ever heard, and that he had no right to stomp on my values and my religious beliefs. He backed off.

Now, many of those people who cheered and high-fived the war nearly 5 years ago, now see the war as flawed, a mistake, a mess we don't know how to get out of. (I doubt my boss is one of them.)

I don't dislike this war because it was flawed and unnecessary. (Although it was.) I dislike this war, because it is war. My children have grown up with war constantly on the television and a discussion at the dinner table. I hate it. I don't know how to explain it to them. I don't know how to explain why I find myself crying at the end of a war story on Nightly News. I don't know how to explain it to myself, why should I be able to make sense of it to an 8 year old?

My coworker that I work with everyday has a son in Iraq. This is his 3rd deployment. My co-worker is actually a bit of a retired hippie himself, so this war is hard for him. He supports his son, and his decision to become a military man. But he doesn't support the war. I can't see a story about the war, without realizing that someone who I see nearly everyday, has a child over there, fighting.

Is war necessary? Is it a part of life I will have to get used to? I don't really want to get into that discussion. I just know that my children have grown up during war time, and as a pacifist mother, I have a hard time knowing how to explain that. Will their lives forever be affected by this? How will their generation deal with it? How much more of their lives will they be forced to see this war? And how many more will come in their lifetimes? How many more are going on right now, that they don't even know about? How many more will we all have to see? Will I ever really be able to teach them what peace is all about? Do I know how to spread peace?